I am an unwritten story.
Lost and found thousand times.
I wish I was able to say countless things, but my words never appear at the right moment. I wish I achieved good with all my fights.
I wish I was better me.
I wish I won.
But there is no win here. There aren’t winners when we do not compete.The life is not a competition, the life is a journey.
I love saying: “The life is a journey”. At least, it brings comfort into the busy mind. But this journey is a strange mixture of fears and hope, of human suffering and a divine wisdom. We are creators and followers of unknown paths. Every step is a breath. And the journey is an ever-changing one. The free will is fighting to shape it. The mind wants to control it. The heart wants to simply live it, but it gets scared of the wounds. We tend to think we know where the paths are leading. Somehow we are always wrong. And in the human world filled with limitations, wrong means hurtful.
How would the life look like if we weren’t able to get hurt?
How would the life look like if we were able to truly know how to live with love?
I wish I was able to get rid of my fears. I wish I was able to forget which ways led me to suffering. I wish I had no memory.
But all of those wishes wouldn’t be so needed if I knew how to love the wounds. And here is the drama of every being – the desire to avoid the pain. It’s like the ego screaming deep inside of us, that we can escape from the negative and live in the brighter side of life. There isn’t such a thing as an unlived pain. Somehow it is a part of the journey. But like waywardly children we try to hide in our secret places and to cover it with dust. It takes just a melody, a touch, a random thought and the wound is open again and it is staring at us with its cold eyes.
How could we avoid something like this? The hidden pain is like a poison we make for our selves. It knows us better. It knows when to reveal its presence. There is no escape. So why do we always try to mask it as something else, to avoid experience it? Why don’t we just surrender and accept it is a part of the journey? Would it be so bad?
A couple of weeks ago, I had an incredible day. I was with very special people in the mountain. I had dreamt to spend a day with them for so long and I had missed Bulgarian mountains so badly, so I was full of joy when the day began. Last time I was on top of this mountain peak, I was a child. But my memories were kind of blurry. I wanted to experience it again, to feel the energy from my current state of being. During the 4-5 hours of climbing, I was focused on the conversations about my favorite topics, so I didn’t notice when we had reached the top. It felt like pure happiness. Somehow I knew I belong there.
However, on the way back something happened. It wasn’t a big thing, but it left a huge remark in my mind. Since I was a little kid, I have always been extremely afraid of reptiles, most of all of the snakes. It is a very common fear, just part of our gene memory. Many times in my life, I had been in places full of snakes but never have seen even a single one. I thought God knew how afraid I am, so he protected me of seeing one. I have thanked many times for this. I thought if I ever see a snake, I would run, scream, panic or be in an extreme shock.
I was holding my friend for in order to give her some support because the grass was wet from the recent rain and the declivity was really slippery. We were talking about favorite topics and discussing universal laws when I saw for the very first time in my life a snake in the grass. It was only 5 cm away from my feet, moving fastly. Against everything I had believed I would do in such a moment, I remained still and calm. I just said to my friend to make two big steps with an emotionless voice and after a while, I told her what her eyes had missed. I was afraid not to scare her most of all. I found no shock, no panic, not even an adrenalin rush inside of me when I met one of my biggest fears. I began to smile. It was really amusing after all.
It is a simple story. Probably many people have experienced something very similar. But it is not about the story its self, it is about the simple truth, that all our fears are just an illusion. They are fears just because we think they are. In our nature is to make them powerful or powerless. Even sometimes we are not afraid of the things we think we are. It is a mind trick. A sham.
The bad thing is that on a subconscious level we program a fear from places where we have been wounded. The pain just like the joy is part of our human nature, of our learning cycle. It’s an experience and no experience should be avoided until we master it and not any sooner.
The life is a beautiful journey full of opportunities for us to grow and blossom as we meant to do. The fear doesn’t deserve the privilege to limit our experience.
I wish I use my journey to discover what I am afraid of and overcome it, to get rid of all fears that control me, to reveal my true nature, my true essence and live it.
It is a gift.