The love and the fear speak different languages.
Let’s start from there.
We are addicted to the models. Since our earliest days, we are being trained to follow models and predefined ways of development. The most obvious model – kindergarten, school, university, job, family, kids and etc. Simple. However, this is not the deadliest model that we are so addicted to. If you take a closer look you will see that most of our actions are driven by the desire to fit in a specific frame. Otherwise, we fear to be named as not successful, weird, not responsible enough and as people who will regret later.
The thing is, I have never regretted later.
Well, at least not when I have been following my inner voice, regardless how strange its desires have been.
Actually, I wish to say it is simple but somehow is not. I was/am so used to the models, that is almost impossible to recognize them. And when you try to break the stupid wheel, well, it is more than scary. Recently, I left parts of me I thought I need more than everything in the world. Parts, that are considered normal and maybe happy. Parts, that made me feel secure.
And this exactly is the trap. The more you follow the common way, the feeling of security grows. At the same time, the external voices whisper that the world is scary and you need to find security more than everything. When you follow the normal, somehow it creates predictability of your life. And that’s what we are craving for – to predict, to know and most of all – to control.
It’s needless to say that is not true. No matter what you are trying to follow, your way will find you sooner or later. And even if not, then at least, I am sure you cannot predict life.
The life is unpredictable from the perspective of the human mind’s capacity. And better get used to it now. It is an unpleasant truth, that we try to avoid. But the truth is the truth. The life is made to be unpredictable, uncontrollable, unconventional. It should surprise us in order to make us grow.
No model can turn it another way around. And that is OK, believe me. You do not need a normal and predictable life. Well, at least I do not.
However, breaking the models, breaking the addiction of them, could be painful, could be terrifying, could be everything.
Actually, the scariest thing is to let the control go.
To let go.
It’s scary to have no plan. It’s scary to not know what is coming next. It’s scary to be out of the stupid (replace with a not-so-nice word here) box.
It is scary to be just… you.
They say that the brave ones are blessed. Breaking my model was and still is the scariest thing in my life. And I can feel that sometimes when it is dark, part of me wants desperately to go back, to find security into what is known. A part of me wants to feel normal. Cause this is what they told me – normal is good. Nah, normal is boring. Normal is plain. Normal is not me.
The love and the fear speak truly different languages. The fear whispers for protection, for security, for predictability. And the fear is not wrong. The fear thinks that he helps you to survive. But the price of this survival is too high – it costs you… you. The fear talks to you when you are down, pretending to be your best friend, your protector, a protagonist sent to save you. The fear closes your heart and gives commands. The fear pushes your beautiful mind into paranoia and makes you overthink.
However, every time when the fear screams “Stop!”, the love gently sing to you “Go!”…
We often listen to the loudest.
But what if,
we understand that the emotions are safe,
we feel that we are enough,
we accept that we are made to be this way.
And for everything there is a reason that we might never be able to grasp out. And this is fine.
Recently, I asked myself should I follow what is normal, if it doesn’t make me happy? Nah, I do not follow anymore anything but me. Everything external causes me more confusion. All I need is to follow my way, to follow myself. This is where I find happiness. Cause I truly can not live anymore in the illusion of security, in the illusion of normality.
After breaking this model, still somehow I am more than afraid that I might not end up well, but I know this is just the fear in me. It is still scary. And maybe it will remain that way, but … but believe me, the more models I crash down inside me, the happier I am. Happy and free. I have been always too serious, but now when some of my models are gone, I find amusement in so many more things. I laugh. I smile. I enjoy. I enjoy myself. Even when I am crazy and act like a kid. Even when in a moment of inspiration I cut my hair. Or when I make stupid faces to strangers on the street. I am happier when I do not think what the others will think about me. Not because I wanna be just a weirdo, but because I wanna be me. And sometimes this requires a little bit of craziness.
So I just enjoy the ride.
The ride is made of love, after all, my dear.