I’ve heard that I am not an easy one so many times. Not a “normal” one, whatever this means. I’ve heard I am complicated and unpredictable. I have heard so many things about me. Actually, most of it is true.
I am not an easy one. But the thing is I am not easy, only for myself. No one is easy for him/her self. This is the way we are built. We are our own greatest challenge in our existence. Born with so many gifts and shadows.
I remember when I was 9th grade at my school, the Philosophy teacher asked which is harder – knowing the external or the internal world of human beings? The question was an easy one. Of course, it’s harder to know what is inside – I answered. Then continued – We do have so many senses to understand the external, so many ways of approaching it, but when it comes to the world inside us, well, it gets a little bit tricky.
Years later, I am still digging into this question. Of course, even back then, I was right, but I am not completely right if I do not have the full answer.
Why is so hard to understand ourselves?
And even if we just admit that this is the way things work, still, there must be a reason. A reason better than my usual statement that the life is a journey and we are our biggest adventure. A reason that explains why loving yourself doesn’t come naturally to most of the people including me, it takes practice.
I need a reason to understand why
it takes one to know one
it takes one to love one…
It feels like we are so unprepared to uncover what lays within. No eyes to see, no hands to touch our soul, mind, and conscious. What we have – feelings, emotions, instinct, and thoughts that are the trickiest of all if the mind is not under control.
And if you are an overfeeling and overthinking being like me, well, it gets so messy sometimes. It’s even funnier when the /feelings and thoughts go in different directions. How can I use them to know myself then? I really would like to know.
The answer I have maybe it’s not the final answer and it doesn’t answer my asking to know the reason, but still, it is something I can hold on to.
Last year, when I was experiencing my first and only depression, I started to learn more and more about the astrology. It was the thing that helped me explain my messy nature. Well, actually it just helps to validate and put in structure the different faces I have. It doesn’t explain why the hell and heavens, it is that way.
One of the things, I saw in my chart was the fact I have my natal Moon in 5th house and it is in Aries. At the same time, my 5th house starts with Pisces. The Moon rules our emotions, our feminine side, and energy. And Moon in Aries usually is like a thunderstorm – emotions come easily and crash and burn. Short-tempered and extra-feeling. And the fifth house in astrology is dedicated to the things we create as art or our children. I wouldn’t like to go too deep into the astro explanations, but the very basic interpretation I came with about this position in my natal chart was – I express my emotions by creating art. I relieve what is inside of me by writing, singing, drawing or just being creative. Super simple. But this revelation helped me survive the worst moments in my life. I am blessed to be built that way. Deep gratitude to the Universe.
Starting from this point, I came to some conclusions. One of them was that every time we create art (whatever kind of, even a conversation could be an art), we are acting as a true expression of ourselves. What it is inside, starts to exist outside. And once it is expressed we can study it. We can use our external senses to understand the internal.
And this is the best of us. Our expression. Our only true guidance in the world. Our map.
I am not a master,
nor I am a student.
I am not free,
nor I am a slave.
but also I destroy.
thus I talk.
I am loud in the silence
and silent in the noise.
I am like a tinkle,
and I wander.
I am different and the very same.
Alone I am nothing.
But if my way is lighted up,
I become everything.
PS. My name is Creator.
So, I create. I create in order to be. In order to know. And it helps. My hands know better how to draw my emotions, the voice within knows better the rhymes I feel, and my intuition knows better how to put them on paper. My body knows better how to love. No need of mind control, just pure expression of the love inside. This is what it takes to be a Creator. Creator of yourself.
I still believe we are love. And love leads to emotions. The emotions can be turned into art and be love for once more.