Have you ever had that feeling that you just want to hide? To escape from the reality. To run and run and run until you reach the point of no return? To start over? To leave behind cause it is just too much to handle?
I escaped from many things in my life.
For the sake of honesty, I must admit that I have always been dreaming just to run away and save myself in the realms of other dimensions. Perhaps, I can verify this with some astrological reasoning or with my fragile soul. But it would be a lie or just a coverage.
My soul is not fragile. And I know I can handle whatever comes my way. And yes, I was trying to protect my self by running away. I had this urge inside of me. I remember once, a couple years ago, when I caught myself dreaming of an escape and changing the place and my life right after I had just done it. But actually, it was so much more than just changing my way of living or the place or the people in my life.
An escape after an escape I kept wishing just to run away and start everything all over again. And it went far beyond this. It wasn’t just about my physical life. It was about the way I feel, the way I express myself. I assumed that an unused visa for a county, or my ability to completely cut my feelings, give me freedom. I assumed that having a secret plan B gives me more options.
It was an illusion. Regardless of the level of living, we are referring to, the freedom doesn’t come from having more than one option or a secret plan of an escape. It comes from within. No matter how far I went, the urge to hide was always there. Until. Until one very special moment when I took a decision.
The decision to stay.
To stay and experience whatever I have chosen to even if I am not capable of understanding it rationally.
My true point of no return was when I finally discovered that what gives you more freedom is not having multiple options or opportunities, but to decide to experience fully the situation that you are currently in.
I took this decision just one month ago, but it completely changed my perspective on living. And it was one of the big things in my life. I was again in a dark and twisty mood desiring to run and hide, with the secret wish to not be found.
But for the first time in my life, I decided to stay. Fully. Soul and mind. With all my feeling wide open. To stay and embrace.
I put my trust in me. That my soul knew better where I should be and has defined it in advance. So I obeyed my soul and its desires to experience. I obeyed myself. Even and especially when I do not understand why should I.
Was it easy? Definitely, it is harder to stay where you do not feel well or comfortable, where you know harsh things are coming. You just sense it. Did I learn? My mind still can not grasp everything out, but I know I felt more than I have ever had before. And this is what made my soul incredibly enriched.
After all, this is what we are here for.
The true point of no return is when you commit to your way. When you decide to live it regardless. I am still learning to do it. But I know every price I’m paying for it, is a price I can afford. The true point of no return is when you stay. And I found out this is also a great way to beat the fear.
Good or bad – whatever comes, it comes to me. Whatever comes should become a part of me. And I cannot escape or run away from myself.
So, I stay and I commit.
The bravest thing one can do. And the biggest act of rebellion, after all.