The hardest thing in my life – to stick to a reality.
This blog post is important to me. Usually, my posts are late-night expressions of something I have been through. Realized emotions, taken lessons, experience, and wishes. My posts are my little pieces of art, that is not art exactly, but my understanding of life itself.
But most important of all, I write all of my posts after the storm.
This one will be written in the middle of it.
So please, take no conclusion as a final. I have no clue where this would take me. But why don’t you come with me and see together what the universe holds in its hands?
I am Velina – an Aries-Scorpio with Mars in Cancer. Fire & water. I love to say how the Aries in me is the one who believes in miracles, but the Scorpio is the one who wants to understand how the miracles happen and to create-attract more of them. The self-transformation is essential for me. Transformation in all meaning. Cause I believe, every time I change, my world follows the change.
My life has always been an intense one. For my 26 (almost 27) years I have experienced more than enough. But there is never enough experience, no matter I wish to say that I am tired sometimes or I wish to be easier. It has never been easy for me, regardless the way it might look like from the outside. Behind every corner, there is a lesson to be found.
But the one lesson I am constantly struggling with is the one about the reality we are living in. As I said before, I consider myself as an Aries-Scorpio. And as a Scorpio, I feel too much. Honestly, I do not know if it is because of the Scorpio or because of something beyond the astrological explanation or any other explanation, but the fact is a fact after all. One of the very few things I know with certainty – I feel. More than I wish to. Everything in my life feels like I am standing on the edge of the universe. It is often that I am having difficulties to embrace all the feelings that are coming to my body.
When it is about human emotions, somehow, I am able to understand the things I’m feeling, but when it comes to things beyond my rational explanation, I am completely lost. I really do not get it. One of my biggest confusions is the moment when my mind tells me I need to feel fear or anger (or it is normal to do so), but I am not able to find it in me. Instead, I feel love. And it gives me power.
Believe me, when I say, that is not so pleasant. It confuses me.
Many times in my life I have been hurt or put in a situation that is harmful. And my brain tells me to escape, but a part of me refuses. A part of me whispers that everything will be ok regardless. A part of me wants to be naive. A part of me wants to believe in miracles. A part of me does not care about the pain in life and pushes me to silent all rational voices in my head and jump in the middle of the hurricane.
This part of me tells me that even I am completely destroyed and torn in pieces, still, I will find a way to move on, to continue, to be. I believe this part feels pleasure feeling pain.
And often, the “real” reality wins over and the miracles do not happen. But I still feel my ambivalent feelings. The one that tells me what a horrible place the world is and how the people are confused or harming and the one that tells me to love the world and people.
I do not know which reality to stick. And cannot decide.
Living in the “real” universe somehow it’s not enough, but living in the other one cannot just happen so simply, cause the life requires some physical form and the physical form is missing there. There is no logic there, or at least my mind can not grasp it out.
Yesterday was such a day. I was grumpy and sad, nervious in my bones. Confused at so many levels, I went to bed, closed my eyes. I wasn’t even searching for answers, just playing a bit with some memories. Somehow, the answers came to me once more. And I had a decision to make – do I believe the answers that give me peace or I believe in the rational once that give me even more of the same suffering? Am I fooling myself by believing in Universal explanations and denying the logic of the “real” reality? Is this just another escape? Where should I put my trust? It comes and it goes as waves. What makes sense today, doesn’t tomorrow.
The decision I made is more than obvious. I picked love for once more. I picked the reality that I see only in my dreams. Even the fact that this reality just doesn’t fit the world.
So, how is it possible to live here and there at the same time? To feel from two worlds? To live by two different laws?
All my life I am picking the irrational. Rationally and emotionally, it hurts. But it gives me something I cannot explain.
My reality, I know it is not very real, but it gives me miracles. It gives me angels and many soulmates that are sharing my journey not very physically. It gives me a moon that is always dreaming right next to me. And eternal love. And the most purifying rain and the purest snow. It gives me a sense of a mission – that I am here for a reason. And that when I cry, I help others. When I take the bad things on me, I do good. It gives me the feeling that my hands are always held, that I am never alone. That I am loved regardless. My reality does not make much sense, I know. And even might sound childish or stupid. But I prefer it overall. My reality is not capable to see anything, but love.
And I see love where others see pain.
This is what it means for me to write in the middle of the storm…