Nothing in this world is truly mine.
I am not mine.
There are many levels of attachment – to things, to memories, to emotions, to models, to our own self-individualization. The first three are easily recognizable. Somehow we manage even to detach from the models from time to time using different techniques – from psychological to spiritual, from changing habits, to simply growing up with the time. No detachment is easy for the human being, but the one that perhaps is the most difficult one is the detachment from the self.
To detach from yourself it does not mean to stop existing in the human body that you are currently in or to stop having your mind, soul or spirit. You should never deny those things. You are indeed – mind, body, soul, spirit and even maybe more things for which we do not have human words in our languages. To detach from yourself is not to deny who you are, but to embrace the opportunity to be everything.
I (Velina in body, soul & spirit) took a decision to take 40-days-long commitment and today is my first day of it. Probably I will tell you more when the journey is over why I took that commitment, but what is important for now is the fact I contemplated a lot how the first day of my journey should look like. I do have many topics I want to explore during those 40 days. But in order to be capable of doing it, I felt I need to detach from myself first.
In order to see clearly the answers I am looking for, I must erase everything I know. The best way to describe it is a brief story that has happened to me maybe 13 or 14 years ago. I was training horse-back riding since the age of 7. I loved it. This was my secure place, my connection, my passion for very long. And I was really good as a professional. I had the talent and the needed dedication. When I was around 13 years old I needed a professional trainer to guide me in the process of preparation for the regional competitions. What is needed always comes at the right time. I met one of the very best competitors. Her name was Velina – same as mine and at the same time rare for my country. I was really happy and bit nervous for our first training. I had to convince her that I have what it is needed to work under her guidance. I prepared for the training, actually training for the training with her. How funny. When the moment came and I was on the saddle waiting for her first instructions, she told me:
– Ok, we gonna do this my way. I want you to erase from your memory everything you know about riding a horse, every rule, every lesson you have ever received. Put your hands on your chest, release all control and close your eyes. I will lead the horse. All you need to do is to be on it. This will be your first time riding a horse. I want your mind empty.
I was shocked and scared to my very essence. I had wanted to impress her with all my skills learned in my years of experience and now I wasn’t able to use any of it. But I followed what she said and released all control and closed my eyes. We began, she controlled my horse from the ground using a long cord and a tiny whip to set the direction and the speed.
With my eyes closed, no control and not using my mind to think what should I do, for the first and only time in my life, I was just there at the moment. Simply living it without knowing or expecting or trying to predict what is going to happen. I was embraced by the feeling I had. I didn’t need all my “knowledge” full of rules how I should ride my horse, I was just doing it. Somehow my body had integrated this experience and it wasn’t needed any longer the experience to be in my mind in order to use it. Strangely, I knew how to react to every little movement of my horse, regardless fast or slow, gentle or sudden. My body knew how to follow, how to ride. I did not fall. I enjoyed.
Coming back to self-detachment, this is the best metaphor I can use. It is not like you deny what you have been through, or denying parts of you, or you. It’s not focusing on your thoughts about you. It’s about not putting definitions or rules or models based on your experience. It’s like letting you to just be. Present. Released from the power of memories. The memories are still there, but they are not capable of hurting or lifting you up. The memories and experiences you have had are no longer what defines you. They cannot cause any emotion when you are in a stage of self-detachment.
In this stage, you feel like nothing is good or bad or has any connotation. It just has happened. And that is all. It doesn’t define you.
But true self-detachment is even going a bit beyond this concept, no matter this concept is essential. In the true stage of it, you are not defined even by your soul, spirit, human body physical or non-physical characteristics, desires, wishes or dreams, not even by your past or future lives, not even by your mission. You are just energy enriched by thousand things which do not belong to you and you as an energy live in a human body only here and only now.
Since two days I am at this stage. I was trying to reach it since a couple of months. But my main mistake was that my mind was too involved in the process. My mind was refusing to let the memories fade. So somewhere along my way, I forgot that is a topic that I truly need to discover – self-detachment. But the self-detachment came to me when I took the decision to let go my old me. To let it metaphorically die in order a new one to be born. Thus my mind lost its power. No matter on which part of my past my mind would like to focus on, it doesn’t mean anything to me. I am letting all of it go. What I have learned and integrated will stay but I do not need to keep the memory of it in my brain. It’s in me. And if it is not – then I guess, I just do not need it.
The self-detachment means being an active observer of yourself, not a judge or a master. You do not need to control anything in this world, not even yourself.
When I set myself free, my heart has opened bravely. Because I know now – nothing can hurt me anymore. Because there is no “me” in the picture, only reflections of past, present, and future.
An enriched energy.