Permissions

I tend to play a stupid game with myself. And it is a harmful and a sneaky one. I can not say I hate it, maybe I would have if it wasn’t a part of me. How could I hate a part of me? And the only reason I am writing this post is simply because I need to write it down. Because I need to express whatever happens in my soul & mind. And maybe maybe maybe wishfully someone out there plays the same stupid game and would recognize him or her self in this words. And of course, it is super personal. More than appropriate. More than my usual style of writing. But let it be. I got nothing to hide… after all.

The game is simple – whenever something or someone needs care, I instantly turn into a hero. It can take many forms and it does. The game has conquered every single area of my life. Whenever there is a need, I shut down my own weakness in order to provide the very best. I become whatever or whoever is needed. To say or do the things that will make the situation better.

And it isn’t a new thing for me. It comes from my own eagerness to serve the world. That is why I run social businesses, that is why I am pushing every limit I have in order to do something good and to live up to my highest morals. I do the right things. And I am sick of it. Not because I do not believe in it, but simply because I do not respect my own limits.

Out there is full of so many fake role models and spiritual guru-murus. And they present you a story about how they have found the one and only truth and they kindly offer you their divine-like-guidance. Well, I do not know how we have reached that state where everyone pretends to have the answer and at the same time – we are getting lonelier and lonelier. Where the communication is extremely shallow. Businesses that pretend to be super-duper successful rise and fall within a day. All of that is fake. So damn fake.

When I took the opportunity to be the fire and the creative power of my company Inspire Bulgaria, I promised myself to stay true to my work ethics, to stick to our highest morals, to build something not for myself, but for the others. I can not do it any other way, believe me. And I knew how hard the journey will be. Yet, it is even harder, because of my natal lack of patience. I was and still, I am so grateful, that I received that miracle, so I decided to give in return all of me. Every damn drop of energy I possess. And I do. Regardless of everything.

But I took this to the extreme as usual. As I do in my personal life. I am always up to give. To take charge, to be the strong one. For my friends, for everyone. Excusing myself with the fact that I have received so many gifts from the Universe that is my duty to serve others. To help others. To be where is needed and to be who is needed.

And somehow I recognize my own fakeness in this. Because I am in a denial of my own needs. I am saying that I am fine when I am asked, even when I am totally not fine. I excuse my self that I do not want to put additional pressure on others. I am saying that I can take care of myself, that I can handle it. Even when I am breaking into little pieces. Even when something inside of me wants to scream that I need care, I need gentleness. I need to be the weak one. The confused one.

This morning I woke up in a horrible mood. But I dressed up and I made an attempt to go to the office and to start with the countless tasks I have. But I couldn’t. I tried to hide the fact that I have tears in my eyes. I tried. I failed. And I am glad I failed. I am glad that I admit that today I can not be my best, I can not inspire and be “perfect” at my work. I can not. I am not. And I had to admit that I need space and time. That I need some time to breathe, to watch the leaves, to sit quietly in my own company. To unlock my feelings and to finally see them turning into emotions. To set my inner or not so inner child free.  And when I did, when I showed that side of me, I finally received what I desperately needed – care.

So I gave myself permission to be weak. To be me.

Permission to cry, to be disappointed, to admit I do expect things, at least from the Universe. Cause it is super disappointing to do all the right things and not to be given with the deserved outcome. And honestly, f*ck those spiritual-miritual teachings about no expectations and detachment. And the whole concept of no-needing and living a divine positive-vibes-only life. F*ck all of it.

I am a human. I am a woman. And I do more than my best. To set everyone free, but me ,is not fine. To serve everything, but my own needs, is not fine. So my only option in the limitless period of revelations is to allow myself to feel my desires and to serve them. Cause I can not be the strong one anymore. I can be just me.

and that is enough.

 

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